Third time's the charm
For over two years my husband and grappled with really wanting a third child but not knowing if we had the capacity or energy to make it work.
I worried about my mental health. My husband worried about the lack of space. We both worried about the tolls of third pregnancy, a possible third bout of hyperemesis, and the general fatigue I would face growing a human while trying to raise two other humans.
But, we really, truly wanted another kid. As friends would confidently state that they were one and done or two and through, deep in the back of my head I didn't identify with them. As the clock ticked me into my 40s though, I worried I was running out of time.
It took us several months and three chemical pregnancies to get pregnant (a far cry from infertility but the longest it has ever taken us) and I began to worry that my time had run out.
And now, despite me claiming I'd never get pregnant after 40, here I am, 20-weeks into a 3rd pregnancy and LOVING it.
If I'm being honest- I wish I would have bitten the bullet and gotten pregnant sooner. This is truly the pregnancy I needed to separate me from the shackles of my previously painful and otherwise unenjoyable prior pregnancies- filled with months of sickness, pelvic pain, and depression.
I still had the all-day sickness for weeks on end and I'm starting to feel the pelvic floor pressure and discomfort but something has switched within me- it's almost as if the clouds cleared and the sun came out during this final hoorah- whether it's that I've matured in my maternal mentality, or perhaps that it's my final go, or maybe it's just that I know these days are short lived- this third time is truly the charm.
If you've been around for a while you likely know my history- pushing hard in my first pregnancy until I couldn't push anymore- hyperemesis followed by symphysis pubic dysfunction (SPD)- followed by pelvic floor dysfunction and postpartum depression which carried into a second pregnancy (where there was much less pain and very little joy).
So this pregnancy is different. If even just mentally and emotionally. IT'S DIFFERENT.
I still have hard days.
I'm starting to have insomnia.
I still have moments where I think, "what the fuck did we do to ourselves?"
But these moments are fleeting. I'm excited for a final round of labor and delivery. I'm excited to hold our little squish. I'm excited to be a mama to three wild and crazy boys who will most certainly drive me to my wits end and then shower me with love until I forget the giant mess they just made.
But mostly, I'm excited to have finally made the decision I wanted to make but was too scared to make and I'm (over) joyed to be walking this journey a third time with this disposition, knowing it could have been very different.
The third time is most certainly the charm.