If I had a penny for every time I said it...
I wouldn't exactly be rich, but I would have several hundred pennies.
I started noticing how often this phrase escaped my lips on Saint Patrick's Day.
You see, traditionally St. Patty's is a super fun day for us- I make corned beef and cabbage, we drink some Guinness (my favorite beer), and we relax. But this year was different. I was now working Tuesday evenings and Ethan was in the picture. I had planned to slow cook the meal for my husband and son and eat when I got home.
But, my husband had been out of town the week before and in my exhausted state, I forgot.
"I'm a horrible mama," I thought.
It was one of our favorite traditions and I fucked it up. However, I told myself that after I dropped E off at school in the morning, before heading to class myself, I would swing by a larger store and see if they had what I needed.
That morning, as I was dressing E, I remembered... "GREEN! He's supposed to wear green!" I had meant to buy him a shirt the weekend before, but, I forgot.
"I'm a HORRIBLE mama," I thought.
I rummaged through his drawers until I found something suitable and off we went, kicking myself in the butt the entire way to school for being such a ninny.
While unlatching E from his seat, a big smile on my face I said, "Bud, you're going to have the BEST day." Tears started to form in his eyes. After handing him off to his main teacher it started- BIG. GIANT. TEARS. and outstretched arms. I could hear him through the door as I left. I barely made it out myself before bursting into tears.
"I AM THE WORLD'S WORST MAMA," I thought.
Now, I often listen to podcasts or books on my way to work- usually business related and always on the positive side. St. Patty's was no different and my podcast was all about self-doubt.
And, it floored me. Here I am promoting positive body image and self-care but I'm thinking the most negative thoughts about myself and, I'm demeaning myself for the tritest parenting mistakes EVER. Because St Patty's day, was a typical day. I called myself the worst mama for running out of milk, not vacuuming, not folding laundry, not having dinner done by 5:30, forgetting to buy bubbles at Target etc. etc. etc.
It was the same pattern I had gotten myself into in my 20s- "I'm fat," "I'm fat," "I'm fat," until I couldn't actually see what size I was and even at my thinnest thought I was "big."
It had to stop. I, had to stop.
I made a plan. Every time I felt negative thoughts coming on, I would immediately think of something good I had done for E or our family that day. And then, I would think of one thing I was grateful for.
Gratitude is a game changer.
It has only been a few weeks but I already feel better. I am able to brush off silly mistakes and find myself being proud of my daily wins and accomplishments instead of focusing and being frustrated for what didn't get done. The more we repeat the negative the more it becomes our truth.
{I am a good mama. I am a good mama. I am a good mama}
So do yourself a favor: the next time negativity creeps into your life in any regard- fitness, body image, parenting, relationship-wise- tell yourself what you're good at and what you're grateful for.
It might change your entire outlook.
Be well,
World's Good-est Mama :)
