A Weird Stage of Motherhood
I'm in this weird stage of motherhood and I think I need help figuring it out.
I have these two tiny beings at home; 3-years old and 7ish months. I love them and I really love being a mom. But, I'm in the weirdest funk. I feel like I can't do anything and yet I WANT so badly to do everything.
It fucking sucks.
When I got pregnant with Ethan, I figured I would continue to work after he was born. At the time I was managing the health and wellness programming for a YMCA in the bay area. I was managing 50+ employees, ~120 group exercise classes, and a handful of personal trainers. It was a big job I loved it and I was really good at it.
When E came along, I realized I absolutely could not put him in childcare full time- everything changed. My whole mentality about who I was deep down at the core was rattled. I wanted to stay home more than I wanted to work. I was definitely not the mom I envisioned.
We relocated close to my hometown, my husband started telecommuting, and I got a part-time job teaching in the PE department of a local community college. It was kind of perfect.
Until it wasn't.
I wanted more for myself and more for my family. So I started this online shit. I say shit lovingly but it's not the easiest type of business. I have all of these ideas- brilliant, amazing ideas on how to help moms and then I get stuck actually implementing them. And then, well then I start feeling like a failure.
I worked full-time and part-time jobs (at the same time) putting myself through grad school and yet I feel like I can't manage mom life. I want to work, because I love to work. Yet, I want to stay home and watch my babies. Basically, I WANT IT ALL.
But, I'm finding out, that it's a really unrealistic expectation and I'm fairly certain the people that seem to have it all don't - I think (and I'm 100% postulating here), there is childcare, house keepers, or maybe some kind of meal service involved (among other things) that allow them to do the things they really need to do.
While I have a couple of days of childcare, I'm not willing to pay people to do that other stuff- not only are we trying to save for a bigger house (in a ridiculously expensive area) but I'm kind of a tightwad. But my responsibilities pile up and I'm not one that's emotionally able to have a dirty house and piles of laundry- it doesn't bode well for my anxiety, which yeah, I treat with pharmaceuticals. I need structured, I need tidy, and I need lists and plans.
Unfortunately though, these ideals don't always fit well with the messiness of motherhood. In fact, I'm staring at a pile of trains that is literally taking up ALL of the space in our living room and I'm losing my damn mind (I would usually make the kiddo pick it up but he's sick and I'm trying to relax and let him be).
There is no other point to this blog than just to lay it all out there about how hard it actually is to DO ALL THE THINGS and do them ALL well. As I'm learning daily, there's no perfect schedule, no one trick or tip that can make everything easier. There's just plugging along day after freaking day, doing the best you can.
What I'm saying is don't expect for it to all be perfect ALL THE TIME. We need to set goals and have expectations but we also need to remember that one little cough or one sleepless night can really be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Shit falls apart quickly as a mom and you never know when that might happen.
If you're in this place, know that I and likely, a bunch of other mom-bloggers you follow are too. We're trying... lord how we're trying.
But none of us have it all.